


for better, for worse, to love and to cherish

by luminoustales



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Feelings Realization, Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:07:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27286891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminoustales/pseuds/luminoustales
Summary: In Rieze Maxia, it is believed that flowers were created as blessings from the spirits themselves. After all, they were beautiful, expressive, and never failed to fill a room with life. Flowers were lovely, and flowers were to be treasured.It's a little ironic, then, that Jude finds his life draining away at the mercy of this 'blessing'. He really doesn't mind it too much at first, but when he's forced to face a fractured dimension filled with everything he could ever want, he has to wonder if the spirits must have it out for him and his hopeless crush on Ludger.
Relationships: Elle Mel Marta & Ludger Will Kresnik, Fractured Milla & Elle Mel Marta, Fractured Milla & Ludger Will Kresnik, Jude Mathis & Elle Mel Marta, Jude Mathis & Leia Rolando, Jude Mathis/Ludger Will Kresnik
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	for better, for worse, to love and to cherish

At age twelve, Jude first learns about the disease when it almost kills Leia during their training.

Hanahaki disease, his father had called it. In their family's clinic, the two of them had been tending to a bed-ridden Leia, his friend resting after undergoing surgery. Her face was deathly pale, and the sight alone was enough to make Jude himself feel ill. He had tried steeling himself with every glance, but with every rise of her chest, a part of him feared that he’d witness it fall for the last time, leaving her body motionless on the clean bed.

It squeezed his chest tight with anxiety. His nerves were restless and his eyes close to tears—he wanted nothing more than for the both of them to be alright again. For him to be back in his room while pouring over text books, waiting for Leia to barge through the door as usual and drag him to her backyard for sparring. Just like normal.

But he couldn’t. Leia was here, sleeping peacefully after barely avoiding death. And Leia hated to be alone, so there Jude stayed, glued by her bedside through day and night.

Meanwhile there wasn’t a soul in Leronde that wasn't talking about how it was a miracle she was still alive, considering she had still been going through rehab from her previous accident. It was anything but comforting to young Jude. They hadn’t been there to witness her spill tears, blood, and flowers onto the polished wood of their training grounds. They didn’t _see_ the way her sunny smile suddenly became stained with red, overrun by a flood of color flowing from her lips, unable to even call for help while Jude proved to be absolutely _useless_.

(Five blows to the back, five abdominal thrusts. Five blows to the back, five abdominal thrusts. Over and over again he had tried and tried to just make those flowers _disappear_ , begging for Leia to breathe while choking on his own sobs, all of it to no avail.

It was like he’d been burned when he heard her stifled pleas for him to _stop, it hurts_. Days later and his hands still felt dirty.)

 _Poor Leia and Jude, having to go through all that at their age_.

_It’s a shame, yeah? They’re such darlings. I just hope that one day Leia can be a normal kid again._

_Hey, she’ll be just fine, m’kay? I once heard that Doctor Mathis even brought a dead man back to life! Twice! That’s how great he is, ya know what I’m sayin’?_

Their whispers were so _loud_ in his head. Like sharpened knives drilling into him over and over that in another universe, somewhere, Jude would be standing in front of Leia’s casket instead of her hospital bed.

The shame is what led Jude to his father, strangely enough. He knew that the man was disappointed in him more than he and the other villagers could ever be, but after several restless nights that were much too quiet without Leia’s whispers and snores to block out the ringing guilt in his head, he had no choice. He had already tried to find the word “flower” in the dozens of medical records and tomes his parents owned to no luck.

If he ever wanted to save someone, to be _useful_ the next time around, he could at the very least trust his father to teach him how to do so.

And so when his father revealed to him the name of Leia’s condition, Jude immediately pushed away the rising sickness in his stomach. Like an injection of anesthesia, his breaths numbed the racing in his heart, replacing it with what he hoped was a neutral expression.

"How is Hanahaki disease passed on from person to person? Just what does it do, and what causes it? Is there a way to prevent it before it becomes fatal?"

If Jude thought he saw a glint of regard in his father’s eyes, it was wiped away by the time he was finished speaking. Fear made Jude’s heart spike again. He knew disapproval when he saw it.

"Quiet. Are you trying to wake the patient?"

Jude frantically shook his head, all attempts of composure gone. With a heavy sigh, Derrick walked out of the room, Jude wordlessly following the man after one last look at Leia.

The familiar wooden floor was a blur in Jude’s eyes. But when he saw the end of a familiar yellow apron in the corner of his vision, he meekly glanced up in surprise.

Master Sonia was there, speaking with his mother with an unusually quiet, somber voice. Seeing the typically loud and brash woman look so grave was unsettling—just like with Leia, the world seemed lifeless without his teacher’s energy in some way that worried Jude.

Unsure of what to say, Jude could only stare at the two as he and his father passed by. He couldn’t understand what the look in Master Sonia's eyes meant when their eyes met, but the slight purse of her lips was enough to make him quickly avert his gaze, the shame weighing down on him heavier than ever.

Disappointment, loneliness, inadequacy. The clinic was deathly quiet, yet the noise was coming back to Jude all over again.

Then, suddenly, they were outside. Gone from suffocating walls and instead into the facade of blue skies and clean streets hiding the frustrating pity hidden beneath the villagers. Frustrating, but deserved. Everyone was as worried as he was, all because he couldn’t— _didn’t_ —do anything to help Leia.

“You shouldn’t feel shame over your inexperience.”

“...Huh?”

“I admit that this was a rather rare case. However, it still would have been better if you had left it to the professionals rather than let your recklessness take over.”

Jude frowned. “I had to do _something_.”

“And what, then, when that ‘something’ you do worsens the patient’s condition?” Derrick pushed his glasses up with a sigh, unconcerned over the way Jude recoiled. “Honestly, Jude. It’s a doctor’s job to know what’s best for the patient. You can’t let your feelings get in the way of your work.”

Jude glared at the ground, fingernails digging into bandaged palms. It was silent between them for a moment before Derrick sighed once more, turning his back to Jude.

“It’s also a doctor’s job to learn and grow in order to better help others. You show potential for that, at the very least.”

“...Please.” Jude’s voice just barely wavered. “I want to do better next time. I want to help.”

Derrick’s face remained passive, though his eyebrows weren’t furrowed in disapproval like they usually were. "...Hanahaki disease," he began, "is not the kind of sickness you think it is. It is not something that can be spread like a virus."

Jude slowly raised his head, his eyes widening. 

He blinked as he watched the intimidating man he had of a father pick flowers from a nearby bush. The sight was appalling, but in a way that was more odd than amusing—uncomfortable, even. His worn hands were unkind, ripping each blossom clean from their stem with neither gentleness nor brutality. It reminded Jude of how he treated his work as a doctor and just about everything else in his life, and for some reason, that made a feeling of bitterness arise within him.

"Howe's Egg Principle." The man stated, staring at the in-tact flowers in his hand.

Finally hearing something familiar made young Jude slightly perk up. "If you leave an egg in an empty box and said egg gets crushed, the cause must lie within the egg itself."

His father simply nodded and continued. "To cast an arte, typically a person would speak an incantation as they channel mana to the spirits, yes? However, with Hanahaki disease, we can see that that isn't always the case." His father turned to him, the flowers in his hand held high above Jude with the difference in height between them. Jude caught a glimpse of the vibrant petals before returning his focus to the man towering above him, the somber air around them doing nothing to kill his curiosity.

"If a person's desires are strong enough, they can unconsciously channel mana to spirits and cast an arte without saying a word. However, the only desire a person can have that is actually strong enough to cause such a thing...is love."

"Love...?"

Jude stopped to think. His mother would tell him that she loved him, and the Rolandos would tell him that, too. And in school, he’d sometimes overhear classmates talk about love and crushes, something about ‘dating’ that his parents had told him to stay away from. That was all love, wasn’t it? But if that were the case, wouldn’t that give everyone the disease?

His father ambled on, and it made Jude shift his attention back to absorbing every word he said, knowing the man wouldn't repeat himself or wait for him to understand. "Let’s say we have Person A and Person B. When A falls in love with B, and A wishes deeply for B to love them back, it will unwittingly trigger the Hanahaki disease—or arte—to be cast. But since the spirits cannot force B into loving A, as they are unable to manipulate the human heart, the arte is made so that it only affects the person who cast it."

“So, in response to Person A's wish to have Person B love them, the arte will force A into resolving it in some manner by setting their life on a timer. Flowers like these," Derrick said, gesturing to the ones in his hand, "are the timer that is set in your lungs. The flowers made from your own mana will continue to grow in your lungs until you can’t breathe anymore. Until you've coughed out every last drop of mana, your life source, from your body— _Time’s up_."

The fragile blooms were squeezed in his fist.

"So—So then a person should just get rid of it immediately!" Jude sputtered. "Why did Leia let them grow? Is it because she didn't know?"

A beat of silence passed. "She knew. But most times, a person will refuse to get rid of their feelings of love, even if it means suffocating themselves. Doing something about it is a difficult decision, as surgery is not the only way to get rid of the flowers. If the person you fell in love with returns your feelings, the flowers will disappear." 

Derrick's gaze pressed down on him, making Jude hold his breath from the scrutiny in his eyes. "But if they do not return them, the heartbreak would probably be enough to kill. Essentially, the flowers may drive you to death, emptiness, or happiness. Such is the nature of the Hanahaki disease, a reflection of the very feelings that cause it."

The crushed petals fell from the doctor's hand. He let them fall lifelessly through the air, wrinkled yet vibrant, and let them rain around Jude, with one of them softly landing right in the middle of horrified amber eyes.

・

Years have passed since then, and Jude has long since become well-versed in understanding the workings of self-destructive artes like the Hanahaki disease. He’s learned about the Star Tear disease, where victims cry beautiful crystal tears over their unrequited love only to eventually end up blind if untreated. Angel toxicosis, where a person loses all sense of their humanity and, in time, even their body, ascending into a guardian spirit to eternally protect the very person they gave up their life for. All of them caused by love, all of them possibly leading to death.

Perhaps it is his extensive knowledge, then, that makes him calmly accept how Ludger Will Kresnik takes his breath away.

It started like most whirlwinds did in Jude’s life: he meets someone extraordinary, is unable to turn away from them, and as a result, ends up on a journey to save the world from its impending doom. Except on that day, the day when they first met, there hadn’t been any epic explosions, incredible displays of a Great Spirit in combat, or anything exceptional of that sort.

(Well. Not at first, anyways.)

It wasn’t love at first sight. He hadn't even felt a slightest bit of curious infatuation towards Ludger. Jude had been nothing more than a lost scientist that day just as much as Ludger had simply been a passerby heading to work. The kindness he had shown Jude was certainly something rare in Elympios, but there hadn’t been anything in particular to him that left Jude’s heart fluttering, impatient for a chance to bump into the man again.

And yet, they _do_ bump into each other again, and on a train hijacked by terrorists, no less. And then they’re fighting together, working through an impossible debt together, and soon enough, just as natural as their meeting had been, Jude found himself naturally drawn towards the flame that was Ludger Kresnik.

Really, his wake-up call had just been more of a confirmation than anything.

Months later, the former Lord of Spirits got the idea that a special component would improve her cooking, which lead them into a risky hunt for the rare ingredient—a bear paw, she had called it. A paw belonging to a _violent bear-type monster_ , Jude had cautioned to no one’s concern. And so it was off they went.

With Leia coming along, the way to the Nala Lava Tubes had gone fairly smooth. _Inside_ the molten tunnels, however… 

“ _Ugh_.” Milla’s groans echoed off the earthen walls. “It’s _so_ hot. How can it be this hot? Ugh, it’s way too hot!”

Elle whined, clinging to Milla’s waist despite the heat and letting herself be dragged along by the swordswoman. “Stop saying that! The more you say ‘hot’ the hotter I feel!”

“What?! But now _you’re_ saying hot too much!”

“Ugh, I’m so hot!”

Jude’s vision spun as he stumbled along with them. Thankfully, it was easy to defeat the monsters here between their party, but with the added heat of battle, Jude feared he’d pass out any moment now from overheating. He squeezed his stinging eyes, messily gulping down some water before ripping off his dirty lab coat.

It didn’t do much considering how sweaty his arms already were, but it still felt better than a second ago. With a relieved heave of breath, Jude tied the white cloth around his waist, opening his watery eyes to catch Ludger looking down at him.

When their eyes met, Jude flushed, his gaze flickering down to Ludger’s exposed collarbone and loosened tie. He licked his dry lips before a jolt ran down his spine seeing Ludger’s green eyes stare relentlessly at him. To be caught in such an indecent state… Jude looked away, missing how Ludger jumped with a blush rising to his cheeks.

“It really is hot, hehe… Ha, ha ha ha…” Jude’s chuckles died down into weak huffs, his head falling while his eyes glazed over once more. He felt his own head and winced at the burning touch. It’d be bad if any of them actually got heatstroke… Once again, he reached for his water, handing it to Elle. 

“Y-Yeah.” Somehow, Jude could clearly hear the breathlessness in Ludger’s voice past the daze in his head. “It really is.”

On his other side, he heard a snicker from Leia. “In more ways than one, eh Ludger?”

Jude couldn’t even think to understand what Leia meant when Milla’s relieved yell broke the stupor in his mind, drowning out Ludger’s sputters in the back. “This should be the place! Come on, that bear paw is mine!”

It was as if her sudden burst of energy spread to Jude, filling his chest with a small laugh. “Then let’s split up, we’ll find it faster that way. Yell if you see anything.”

He walked off with a brief glance at Ludger, barely able to look at the man before embarrassment led his feet some direction. _Where’s a fountain to dunk your head in when you need one…?_

Minutes ticked by. After crawling into several small tunnels and hearing nothing but the distant bubbling lava, Jude slowly dragged himself back to the center of the cavern with a sigh, his bag a bit more heavier with some materials he’d found. _At least we can use these for that debt._

He sighed once more, pressing a hand to his eyes. Just as he was beginning to wonder if he should ask Milla to make a frozen treat instead of soup, he suddenly heard her familiar shout.

“W-What do you think you’re doing?!”

He looked up. Immediately, a spike of adrenaline cleared the fog in his head when he saw Ludger nursing his head on the ground, his gaze zeroing in on the man.

_Ludger._

Rushing over, Jude took in the scene. Elle and Leia were giggling together as Milla huffed with crossed arms, and the bizarre contrast made him pause, the healing arte in his hands fading. “What happened?”

Ludger didn’t seem to be in pain with how easily he got up. Jude tried to meet his eyes, but they looked right past him.

Elle spoke up before he could turn around. “Ludger was _totally_ grabbing Milla’s—”

Then there was a firm grip on his shoulder demanding for his attention. Jude’s vision spun from the sudden switch from Elle to Ludger, his head whipping around when he felt the urgency in Ludger’s tugging.

He thought he must’ve finally passed out when he came face to face with a frighteningly silent bear towering over them.

Oh, he smartly paused for a moment as it let out a low growl. _Oh._

The others seemed to notice a second too late. Its paw was as big as Jude was, if not bigger, and two of them were aiming right for their heads as a deafening roar shook the very ground they stood on.

Jude didn’t waste a moment before surging toward the monster. Seeing the lethal swing aimed down at them, he immediately met the attack by bringing his arms to his face with a grunt, the persistent weight threatening to make his knees buckle. Jude clenched his teeth. The monster bared its fangs. Through the sweltering, dizzying heat, through the drum of his rapid heartbeat pulsing in his ears, Jude could only watch as his arms faltered with every second, the glinting claws getting closer, closer—

And just like that, with a blinding blast of light, the weight was gone.

“Jude!"

That...was Ludger’s voice.

A shiver ran down his spine. His eyes widened from the sudden clarity that rushed through him, as if a splash of cold water had washed away any exhaustion left by the heat. With a breathless turn, Jude watched as Ludger rushed up to the monster with his hammer, Milla and Leia close behind.

In a fleeting moment, awe-struck amber met intense turquoise, and Jude could feel that same wave push him a step forward.

His fists clenched. With the link between them, he didn’t even need to cast Steel to feel adrenaline pulse through his blood. It sent him running with a newfound strength, his body weaving between the glistening lines of Ludger’s gun that made him feel like he was surrounded by fireworks, dancing in a blaze of searing heat and beauty. His body went numb to the familiar shockwave each of his blows brought as they rolled down his arms, legs, stomach. Milla and Leia were by him in a blinding flurry of slashes and strikes as well, and together their relentless assault seemed to work as the bear released a savage cacophony of howls and roars, its searing claws blindly slashing at them.

Yet it was only a matter of time before a wide sweep of its paw managed to smack away the three of them, effectively putting an end to their attack as a second was all it took for the monster’s coat to turn iron.

Jude stepped back, a labored breath leaving him. He winced as the bear’s roars shook the cave’s ceilings, but didn’t dare look away when he saw the mana gathering around the beast. Weakly, he pivoted the shockwave it sent. His hands were torn up underneath his dirty gauntlets, but it didn't stop him from moving forward again, raising a fist at the monster’s back.

What did stop him was his legs suddenly giving out, and for a second, he feared he'd hit his limit.

That’s when he heard it. The echoes of a pained grunt, a panicked cry from Elle, the clatter of blades as they fell to the ground. And not a moment later, he _felt_ it—Ludger’s presence suddenly ripping from his own and leaving him unable to catch himself, falling on the rough ground with a gasp.

A pained hiss left him. Cutting through the fabric of his pants, he could feel sharp rocks underneath dig and tear into his skin, no doubt leaving wounds in their wake. Jude grit his teeth. Blood ran down his legs as he slowly raised himself up, but it didn’t matter.

He ran on shaky legs, Ludger’s name a scream in his throat.

_Please, please, please._

As he approached, his eyes zeroed in on Ludger sprawled on the ground, on those arms scratched and bleeding like his own two legs. His usually blue dress shirt was now dyed with red as if a flower was unfurling on his chest, where the deep crimson color was darkest.

“Ludger,” Jude breathed, immediately falling to his knees. His worn and scratched-up hands became enveloped in a soft green light as they brushed against Ludger’s wet chest. “Are you okay?"

Ludger slowly nodded, sending him a tight smile that made Jude bite his lip, hands glowing brighter. The link between the two of them gradually returned as Jude prodded at Ludger's body, searching for broken bones and burns, and soon enough he could distantly feel the ghost of blood— _Ludger's_ blood—trickling down his arms. The sensation made Jude's hands and chest tighten as he curled into himself, feeling the aches on Ludger’s body caused by his own bruises gained from earlier. 

It was all so much that Jude didn't even notice how Ludger’s hand gently pressed a torn-up piece of cloth against the red splotches on his knees.

Even so, his ears twitched. The sounds of Leia's distant battle cries and Milla's incantations shook him from his stupor, reminding him that the battle was not over yet.

“Come on, come on.” He gently, but firmly took hold of Ludger’s other hand, ignoring how his own trembled with exhaustion. “Let’s finish this.”

Ludger’s grip was warm, strong. It settled Jude’s shaking, and he let himself breathe, pulling up Ludger’s weight with a tired smile.

And then, all at once, Jude saw it. A familiar, searing red just a second away from stabbing Ludger. There was no time to block. There was, however, time to catch the way Ludger’s face contorted from confusion to horror as Jude pulled him back, turning and hugging the man’s head to his chest while having half a mind to break their link before his own back was being teared into.

Jude didn’t feel the pain this time. Couldn’t see anything but  a blinding white, couldn’t hear anything past the ringing in his ears and couldn’t taste anything but the blood rising from his throat.  The only thing he was vaguely aware of was the fact that he hadn’t hit the ground like he knew he should’ve.  Instead there was a familiar warmth pressed against him, holding him up and gently lowering his body.  He quivered against it, unable to breathe, tears escaping his eyes.

He didn’t have to look to know how much blood was rushing down his back. He could feel it. It soaked into his shirt, and like drips of vicious watercolor staining a canvas, it wouldn’t stop _spreading_ , trickling down his sides, his legs, even out of his mouth.

He was more shocked than horrified by the sensation.

His shallow breaths were loud in his ears. He fruitlessly grabbed at the ground beneath him,  desperate to feel something,  _anything_ to keep him afloat  from the darkness threatening to swallow his vision.  But as much as he tried,  his thrashing slowly came to a halt.  His thoughts were static. He forgot  what he had been doing.  He could barely feel that earlier warmth pressing  against him anymore.  All that remained was a tingling, cold numbness  so scarily pleasant compared to the intense pain that he succumbed... Falling...

“ _Jude!"_

Who…?

... 

...Since when he did he close his eyes? And fall asleep? Slowly, he opened them against the heat and pain boring down on him, noting how he was now laying atop his now bloodied shirt and coat, the sticky cloth protecting him from the rough ground.

“Leia…?”

“ _Thank Maxwell_.” Her voice sounded watery, and it was all Jude could process past the screaming pain in his senses. “You’re back. Stay with me, stay awake, okay?”

Water was slowly poured over the fire in his back. He hissed and curled his toes at the burning sensation, but nodded at the ground with clenched teeth. The only thing keeping him sane at that point was the warm comfort of Leia’s healing artes numbing the pain the instant it came.

“Jude?” A timid voice called for him.

He looked to his other side, where he was met with the sight of Elle’s polka-dot tights. He didn’t have the strength to crane his neck, but thankfully, Elle kneeled down, dropping the empty canteen in her hands and hesitantly reaching for him.

“Elle.” Jude cringed slightly at how weak his own voice was. But when he saw Elle flinch, he tried his best to smile instead. “Don’t worry. I’m okay, see?”

He averted her eyes from his wounded back, taking her small, clean hand in his own calloused one now free of his gauntlets. She didn’t seem convinced, though—even as he squeezed her hand, her eyes were glassy with tears.

“It’s not as deep as it looks,” he tried, letting out a weak chuckle. _Bad idea_ , he decided when he choked on his own blood.

Elle frowned. Jude’s smile fell as she curled into herself while holding his hand to her forehead, her head hung low.

“Doctors…” Her grip tightened as she hid her face even more. “ _You_ can’t help people if you’re dead, stupid! You’re not allowed to _ever_ die!”

The words felt like a slap to his face. He winced, the guilt heavy enough that he fell back against the ground, laying on his arm. If Elle were to witness something like that at such a young age… “I’m sorry. But I… If I ever see anyone in danger, I won't hesitate to do that again. But I promise I'll try not to die, at least.”

He freed his hand from hers and weakly held his pinky out.

Elle stared at it before nodding, interlocking his pinky with hers. “You suck at apologizing. Promise."

“Promise.”

His back ached and continued to bleed, though Leia’s healing artes felt like a constant soothing balm on the flaring pain. It caught up to him then that he was _alive_ , and the realization left him in a slow sigh. He was alive. Through all the heat and injuries, they’d get out of here alive.

To distract himself from the familiar, but uncomfortable feeling of his wounds closing, he tentatively glanced around past the cotton in his head.

“The others,” he breathed.

Leia’s breath was shaky, but she kept her hovering hands as still as possible. “Beating up that monster that did this to you.”

Jude looked up at Leia, taking in her pained expression. “I can heal myself,” he insisted, placing a hand on her arm. “They could use your help.”

She snorted, her smile bitter with disbelief. “Aren’t you the doctor here? Do you hear yourself? You’re literally bleeding out. If you tried using your energy you’d just make it worse for yourself.” She narrowed her eyes in favor of clenching her hands, softly adding, “Just stop doing stupid things today, ‘kay?”

He let go of her arm, shame flushing his already-warm cheeks with the surrounding heat. “‘Kay,” he relented.

It went silent between the three of them. Jude shut his eyes, forcing out the distant sounds of combat to feel himself breathe through the insufferable heat. When he opened them, his vision was clearer and his head less foggy—the stinging in his back was still apparent, but he turned his head around anyways to finally take in his surroundings.

Farther from them, Ludger and Milla were barely giving the monster any time to breathe. They moved in perfect coordination: when Ludger would use his guns, Milla would weave between each blast with her sword, and when Ludger moved in, they’d flawlessly string a chain of attacks together, following up where the other left off, their brutal and reckless assault knocking the monster on its back until finally, after one last roar, all went quiet.

A part of Jude should have felt relieved, grateful. And he did, of course. Except…

A strange feeling welled up his chest as he watched Ludger and Milla stand over the fallen beast together, wiping the sweat from their necks. Frustration—whether at his own weakness or at the strange coil in his stomach—didn’t quite describe the emotion crawling up his heart and throat. He should be there next to them. Next to… 

His senses suddenly heightened. Even though his back was healing, it felt as if that beast was digging into his flesh all over again.

A breathless gasp left him. He heaved for air as his fingertips clawed at the rough ground, the sharp rocks digging nto his fingertips and making them bleed, but it wasn’t enough to distract him from the sudden pain stabbing into his chest.

Jude groaned, sloppily holding a hand to his mouth as a pulse of nauseousness left him dizzy. A wave of warmth rocked over him, making him quiver from head to toe, almost pleasant but overwhelming in its fire. He couldn’t move, couldn’t do anything but reach for something to brace himself with, even crushing searing hot rocks in his hands for relief.

Voices were calling for him, but he couldn't answer. His stomach turned and he squeezed his eyes, pressing his body against the ground in a cold sweat. But just as the pain was at its peak, a scream on the verge of leaving his throat, the burning heat was suddenly swept away with one last violent shiver sent through his body.

Jude blinked his eyes open, gasping for breath. Every sensation...was gone. Just like that. _Did I just imagine all of that?_ He looked at his bloody, scratched up hands and let himself fall back against the ground. _Guess not._

It had to have been real. With his head clearing up again, he could feel warmth spreading through from his chest that hadn’t been there before. But just what was it?

He wracked his mind for some sort of suspicion, but found himself still too exhausted to think straight.

He didn’t have time to think it over when a barrage of lightning flashed through his eyes, with Milla and Ludger standing triumphant in the blazing electricity. The monster was already dead, but it seems the two of them hadn’t been satisfied.

Before Jude knew it, the brilliant display was over, and the two were rushing over his way.

“Jude!” Ludger dropped his weapons and fell to his knees. His hands hovered over Jude as if he were trying to cast a healing arte, and it touched Jude as much as it amused him. Eventually, Ludger settled for taking one of Jude’s hands, wiping the rubble from his calloused palms with his thumbs. “Are you okay? Oh, y-your shirt...”

Jude caught Ludger’s hand before it could retreat, meeting the man’s panicked gaze with his smiling one. “I’m fine, don’t worry. But are _you_ okay? Let me see.”

“ _Ahem_ ,” Leia pointedly coughed.

Jude ducked his head, his hand falling. “Sorry.”

Ludger frowned. "You're not the one who should be apologizing. Because of me, you..."

"No, Ludger—" 

"I was scared that you'd _die_ , Jude." He admitted, taking a small breath to stop the quiver in his voice. "I don't want that to happen, ever. Please don't do that again."

Jude stared at Ludger, whose eyes were hidden behind his bangs. "You and Elle…" He laughed softly, holding up his pinky. "I'll promise you too, then. So you'd better not get yourself killed, either."

The frown from Ludger’s face finally lifted as he nodded, looking pleased as he crossed pinkies with Jude. “Mm. I’m glad you’re okay.”

Meanwhile, Milla stood over them, her arms crossed. When Jude met her eyes, he found that they were glazed over as if stuck in a trace. The sight was rare, but not uncommon. It was how she looked, Jude recalled, whenever she thought of home.

He braced himself for her deserved remarks of _I guess that's what destroyers of entire dimensions get_ , but they never came.

Instead she simply turned away with a sigh, her eyes squeezed shut.

That was when he remembered a certain blind spirit.

Once again, Jude found guilt tearing into his heart. He opened his mouth, trying to find what words to say, but he didn't have to. Elle beat him to it, bouncing over to where Milla stood.

“Don’t worry,” she reassured. “I taught Jude a lesson so no one’s gonna go dying anymore!”

Jude choked at Elle's straightforwardness. He looked up to see Milla’s reaction, expecting some sort of outburst, only to watch as she smirked and ruffled Elle's head. The sight tugged a smile on his lips, and he looked up to see Ludger wearing the same grin.

“We made sure to teach that bear a lesson about hurting Jude, too," Ludger said to Elle.

“Anyone who hurts our friends will be crushed!” she cheered back.

“Alright, alright.” Milla unsheathed her sword. “Let’s go get that claw and get out of here already. I’ll make sure to cook it up _real_ good.”

Leia, who was finally done healing Jude, pumped her fist alongside Elle as they followed Milla towards the dead monster. Jude smiled at the two, reaching behind to slowly trace where the wound had been. What had once been an angry, deep and bloody cut was now mended, almost as good as new. He poked at the tender skin and sighed in relief as he looked up.

“Thank you, Leia.”

His friend turned back, blinking in surprise before a soft smile spread on her lips. “Anytime.”

And with that, he was left with Ludger. The silence between them was comfortable, and Jude didn’t feel any obligation to move just yet. He closed his eyes, letting out a soft sigh.

Ludger, who had been staring at Jude’s back, slowly opened his mouth. “I’ll carry you.”

“Mm, su—Wait what?” Jude looked up at Ludger. Seeing the serious glint in his eyes, Jude nervously laughed, forcing down a wince as he moved to sit up. Suddenly feeling self-conscious about his shirtless form, he reluctantly tugged his bloodied coat back on, grimacing at the grime and tatters as he buttoned it. At least it wasn't as sticky as his ruined shirt, he thought with a sigh before balling the bloody cloth into his pocket.

Jude offered a smile at Ludger, feeling a sense of comfort in their shared ragged appearances. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me. You’re tired, aren’t you? We should head back.”

Ludger deflated, but nodded. He wasn’t sulking for long as he helped Jude move to his feet, hesitantly backing off once Jude waved him away.

Except Jude's knees gave out with just a step later. With a yelp, he reached out for Ludger who immediately moved to catch him, sitting him back down on the ground with his arms supporting Jude.

"You’re not okay, Jude. Let me carry you."

Another wave of heat suddenly rocked through him, making him groan. Past his dismay at how this _definitely_ had to be one of the worst days in his life, Jude grasped for Ludger’s right arm, squeezing it gently. For some reason, the contact grounded him, and he was able to see into Ludger’s bright dilated eyes.

This weakness in his body, this heat in his head...not to mention the dryness of his throat…

This had to be dehydration, Jude deducted. What else could it be? Except they didn’t have any more water after it was all used for his back… 

This was bad, Jude matter-of-factly told himself.

He felt his mouth move on its own. “Ludger… Your gun can shoot bubbles, right? Could you...shoot me? I think I’m overheating.” 

He stared at the way Ludger’s Adam's apple bobbed, followed by the quirk of his lips. “Jude, I'd give you all the bubbles in the world right now if they didn't set off a painful explosion.”

“Oh.” Jude didn’t even know what he was saying. It felt like it was getting nothing but hotter and hotter in this forsaken dome of lava. “Freezing Eruption?”

He kept himself from leaning into Ludger’s rough hand as it pressed onto his forehead. “That might be better,” Ludger agreed, sounding a second away from laughing, “but the ice explodes, too."

A part of Jude felt stupid—because of course it explodes—but even then, a laugh tumbled from his lips. And he probably seemed crazy for laughing so much, but when he saw Ludger start laughing along with him, he just couldn't stop.

“Here, Jude.”

Jude watched as Ludger stood up and looked down at him. The bright, confident smile sent his way kept his body rooted on the ground, leaving him to watch in a trance as Ludger traced the ground with his hammer.

The light from Psychic Restoration made Ludger look ephemeral. Surrounding the two of them with its gentle, blue glow, Jude felt his mind truly cool down as if he was gently floating in a swaying body of water. The ghost of rocking waves was enough to make his eyelids droop.

With the overwhelming heat gone, Jude was left feeling light and cool. For no particular reason, he raised his hands and casted Healer, making the light around them glow even brighter until he could barely see the world around them. Perhaps it was to make Ludger feel good in return, because when he heard Ludger’s content sigh, electricity sparked from his fingertips.

Surrounded by the airy, ephemeral glow, Jude shared a bashful smile with Ludger.

“Better?” Ludger quietly said. The sound tickled Jude’s ears.

He nodded, taking in a slow breath when he realized he’d been holding it. “Better.”

“Alright, pack it up, lovebirds.” Milla called.

And suddenly, just like that, Jude was choking. The light was gone, and though Ludger was back by his side, there was nothing to comfort him from the painful shove back into reality where he fought for breath.

Jude coughed and coughed, his throat becoming drier and drier. He couldn’t respond to Ludger’s shouts of his name, each cough shaking his chest. He clawed at it desperately, the image of Ludger and Milla fighting side by side in perfect sync and looking so good together in victory flashing through his head for a reason he couldn’t understand.

When he was finally able to force the coughs down, taking in slow, measured breaths, he blearily glanced up to meet worried green eyes. For a moment he wondered if they were Ludger’s, only to recognize the emerald color belonging to Leia.

“Did you choke on something?” She had her hands on his shoulders, tugging him this way and that, observing him with sharp and worried eyes. “Do you need water? Are you feeling sick?”

Jude shook his head. “I-I’m fine, I don’t know what that—”

As he removed his hand from his mouth, he saw it in the corner of his eye.

A small, yellow petal lying innocently in his palm.

Jude stopped breathing.

Immediately, he clenched his fist and cradled it to his chest, suddenly all too aware of the rapid pounding of his heart, of the sweat dripping down his temple.

He glanced over at Leia, wondering if she saw. His fears were confirmed when her horrified, wide eyes met his own, her lips parted in shock. She looked like she had just witnessed Jude sign his death wish—and in a way, she had.

He could feel Leia insistently shake at his shoulders and call his name. His unblinking eyes stared straight into her panicked face, but he was unable to see her. Her shouts became static in his head as his father’s words rang against every corner of his brain.

_The flowers made from your own mana will continue to grow in your lungs until you can’t breathe anymore. Until you've coughed out every last drop of mana, your life source, from your body—Time’s up._

Jude gulped, keenly aware of how his throat just barely felt drier than earlier.

“Jude, _breathe!_ ”

He did so without thinking, taking in a deep gasp of air and as his focus gradually returned to him. He focused on the rise and fall of his chest, and it grounded him back to the warm, rocky earth underneath him. He saw Ludger, Elle, and Milla all frowning at him, the worry and confusion clear in their eyes.

But, surprisingly, after his initial shock left him… He didn’t feel a hint of dread at all.

❀

After probing Jude with an endless amount of concern, the party retired and washed up at Gaius’s castle, letting Jude stay in his own room as they went off to the kitchen. They had told him to rest, with Elle even tucking him into bed.

But Jude could only stare at the everlasting snow storm blowing outside his window.

There was a small smile on his face. Whether out of amusement or bitterness, he couldn’t say.

 _Four years_ , he thought to himself. _Four years of studying everything there is to this disease, and I never once considered the possibility of it happening to me._

He wanted to laugh, but he was much too aware of his breathing and lungs now.

As much as he tried, he couldn’t feel any flowers in him. He’d take a deep breath in and another one out, but it just felt like breathing normally. Though despite his skin shivering from the cold room, he felt warm inside his chest. Could that have been the flowers?

Minutes ticked by with Jude just breathing slowly in the dark. He doesn't know what time it was when Leia wordlessly entered the room.

He heard her sigh heavily, felt her sit at the end of the bed by his feet. “Who?” she stated more than asked.

Jude sat up, barely able to see her in the darkened room illuminated only by the soft, white glow from the snow outside. “I don’t know.”

“Liar. There's only a few people it could be, there's no way you wouldn't know.”

The accusing tone in her voice made Jude wince, clenching the thick blankets in his lap. It was silent between them for a moment before Jude could feel her press a gentle hand over his knee.

“I don’t want you to be alone in this, Jude. Please, don’t hide from me.” He heard her hesitate before continuing. “Is it Milla?”

He couldn’t tell which one she was referring to, but it didn’t matter. Jude shook his head. “She means a lot to me, but no. I...”

A flash of silver and turquoise appeared in his mind, recalling a silent, though handsome, smile. He doesn’t even have the chance to blush before he’s coughing into his hand, the amount of petals landing on his lap enough to assemble a flower. He can't tell what they are, but they're a beautiful shade of blue.

Leia answered for him. “Blue petunias. Peace, intimacy, and trust."

Jude went silent at that. With a groan, he fell back on the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes. "I don't—I don't know _when_ I fell in love with him."

He doesn’t have to say a name for Leia to understand.

When he felt her hand slip from his knee, his friend moving to sit next to him on the bed, he could feel her quiet support. It pushed him to speak. “How did you...know? When you got—you know—how did you _know_? That you loved them?” 

He looked to the side, flustered. Hanahaki disease could only come from liking someone, _of course_ a person would be able to tell if they were in love. But Leia’s eyes, glowing bright in the soft moonlight, simply blinked at him.

“I don’t know.”

“...Huh?"

He turned to see Leia frowning at her legs, looking thoughtful. “I never really chose to have surgery, you know. I’d probably be dead if not for your parents being as quick as they were. That said… After the operation, every memory and feeling of love I ever had for that person was completely gone. I can’t remember ever having them."

A flush rose on Jude's cheeks. He doesn't know why he bothered asking when he's read a few textbooks explaining that kind of result. "Right—I guess I forgot about that part, sorry." 

Leia shook her head. "But I guess…" Her hand lifted his, moving it from his head to his neck. He felt himself gulp at the rapid pulse beating under his fingertips. " _That_ was how I knew."

Jude went quiet, letting himself feel the fast rhythm. He closed his eyes. Breathed. When he thought of Ludger, it felt like he was looking into the sun, making him twitch as he felt his pulse skip a beat.

He sat up, hand falling from his neck. His throat felt tight as he stared down at the vibrant petals in his lap. “Why didn’t you get surgery until the end, back then? If you knew it could kill you?”

He knew the answer, but he asked anyway.

Leia hugged her knees to her chest, side-eyeing him with an uncharacteristic amount of seriousness. It makes Jude pause, meeting Leia’s sad stare with guilt. “Same reason as you, I guess. I didn't want to forget."

It was silent between them for a moment before Leia continued. "I know that you’re not going to get surgery. But you know that it’ll kill you eventually… So what’re you going to do?”

At that, his eyelids slipped shut, his hands heavy as he gathered the petals. “I don’t know. I guess I’ve just accepted it.”

“ _Don’t say that_ ,” Leia harshly whispered, voice cracking. “Don’t say you’ll just _die_ like it’s no big deal! You still have things to do, and people who would be sad without you! Didn’t you just promise us earlier?”

“...I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know. What else _can_ I do?”

“Just _tell_ him, Jude. I’m sure he feels the same.”

He shook his head. It was painful to accept, but there was just no way Ludger saw him like that.

Ludger had always stood out from everyone else. It was strange, because Jude could see a little bit of everyone in Ludger: he was powerful like Milla, charismatic like Alvin, considerate like Elize, reliable like Rowen, and supportive like Leia. Despite that, he was his own person too, smiling as often as he struggled, brutally taking down enemies one second to doing goofy backflips the next.

He was incredible, and Jude was just...himself.

Jude let out a loose smile, only to cough out a handful of petals as Leia sadly watched them fall. He couldn't imagine what he looked like in Leia's eyes, his lips curling slightly as more and more yellow flowers spilled from his mouth, but he couldn’t stop.

He was always just...happy, with Ludger. He couldn’t bear the thought of seeing that apologetic, regretful look on Ludger’s face should he confess to him. 

Love always came hand-in-hand with pain. Jude knew this. He loved Milla, Alvin, Elize, Rowen, and Leia, but not without his share of heartbreak. He knew the pain of seeing a loved one get hurt, of seeing them _die_ , and of being betrayed by them. He could endure the pain of loving Ludger, too.

But the pain of rejection?

It scared him.

Surely, Ludger would be nice about it and let him down gently, but things would never be the same between them. He could see it now: tiptoeing around one another, unable to properly talk or look at each other. Their friendship ruined because of Jude’s flowers making Ludger feel bad for not returning his feelings. The distance between them growing until eventually, they became separate from each other’s lives.

It was just as distressing as the thought of waking up one day with Ludger completely erased from his heart.

Jude heaved for air, coughing out the last of the petals with a sigh. Through watery eyes, he and Leia wordlessly stared at the addition of yellow daffodils that reminded Jude of bloody wooden floors, knowing they were both thinking the same thing.

_The moon was shining brightly above Leronde. It almost made Leia look like a spirit with how the moonlight illuminated her sleeping form as crickets loudly chirped their approval somewhere outside._

_But Jude could only stare at the sight, exhaustion weighing on his eyes. It's been days since he's learned about the disease, and he hasn't slept peacefully since._

_It was mere impulse that led him out of his room to the lonesome streets of Leronde, taking him to Leia’s backyard in a daze. Any remaining evidence of Leia having collapsed was gone. The only thing—or person—left in the empty grounds was Leia’s father, sitting right across from where Leia had fallen._

_“Jude.” Warrick softly called out without turning around. “How are you?”_

_The boy silently sat next to him. Unlike Jude's own father, the air around Warrick was kind and empathetic, much like the smile he gave Jude past the dried tears on his cheeks. But Jude didn't return it, his gaze stuck on the spot where the blood had been wiped clean._

_If he closed his eyes, he could feel the floor shake as Leia’s bandaged knees slipped against the smooth wood, barely able to keep herself up as she coughed for air through the golden bouquet of flowers flooding her mouth._

_If he closed his eyes, he could hear the wheeze in her breath as it got weaker, unable to call his name past the spurts of blood falling from her lips._

_If he closed his eyes, he could see the pained look she gave him behind the flowers as his parents carried her away faster than he could keep up, leaving him to, for the first time in his life, cry against his calloused hands._

_If he closed his eyes, even if just for a second, he would live through it all over again. So he kept them open._

_A breeze brushed past the two of them, making Jude shudder. Warrick's embrace was warm as he held Jude close to his side._

_His gentle voice filled Jude’s ears, and for the first time in a while, he didn't feel alone. “Leia’s strong. She’ll be just fine.”_

_Jude weakly nodded. He tore his gaze from the spot, moving it to the flowers piled on Warrick's lap—the same flowers that Leia had coughed up. The blood on them had dried, leaving splashes of dull brown on vibrant yellow. For some reason, seeing Warrick gently stroke the petals made them less painful to look at._

_“Did you know, Jude? Every flower has a meaning behind it, a message that words cannot convey.”_

_“What…” His voice was raspy from lack of use. “What do those mean?”_

_Warrick held the only clean flower out to him. Jude took it. With tired eyes, he stared at the ball of beautiful sunshine in his hands, reminded of how Leia looked back at the clinic, shining in the moon's silver light._

_“Daffodils,” Warrick said, a small sigh in his voice, “mean ‘the sun is always shining when I'm with you.’”_

Jude ran a hand through his hair.

…He was dead either way, wasn’t he?

And yet, he simply tucked the petals into his chest pocket, right where his heart was. Leia had cried at the sight of it, violently shaking him and pleading for him to _just tell him._

But when he was woken later that night to the excitement of Milla demanding he try her new soup, he saw Ludger. He watched how the man looked at Milla with fondness and exasperation before turning to him with worry. He watched how Ludger smiled down at him after seeing he was okay, and how beautiful the man looked as he teased Jude by offering to feed him.

It all made his lungs feel as if they were being stabbed over and over, with every airy laugh and smile of Ludger’s causing a stutter in his breath. But when he fell asleep hours later, after forcing down the indescribably light feeling in his chest, he knew.

He had no problem taking his feelings to the grave.

**Author's Note:**

> apologies if i get the meanings for the flowers wrong,, i'm really no expert haha i'm just self-indulgent and desperate for a hanahaki au with these two nerds
> 
> thank you for reading!! happy tales of xillia 2 anniversary!


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